Ever wondered ………..why do some relationships fail and some flourish?
Conflicts are part of life – In some, we win and in others we are miserable. Some relationships get stronger and others break- causing irreparable damage.
That is how values are at play!
Who we are now is a upgrade version of what we were many years back. Now is built on a foundation; I would call this foundation as Core Self. Our Core self comes into existence from our Infant/toddler years when we were very observant and that’s how we learn. Later, as we grow up, each repeated observation gives us an experience which turn into judgements. The repeat validation of a judgement becomes a Belief, Which is visible in the form of our Values.
Through the Grow More Coach Model, I have learnt how Values impact and represent who we are.
I relate and see, that it is our value system leads to Conflict. Some conflicts we struggle, others we win.
As per a research, there are a set of 75 Standard Values, each of which are present in each individual in different proportions. It is difficult or almost impossible to ascertain the exact ratio, but an expert coach can easily determine the top 5 -10 Values in an Individual.
Some of these values are Abundance, Acceptance, assertiveness, balance, calmness, challenge, commitment, compassion, creativity, detachment, diligence, discernment, discipline, diversity, enthusiasm, equality, faith freedom, forgiveness, generosity, friendliness, gentleness, grace, gratitude, helpfulness, humility, Idealistic, justice, motivation, obedience, order, patience, perseverance, reliability, responsibility, reverence, service, simplicity, thankfulness, trustworthiness, wonder and many others.
Each of us are unique, it is impossible or improbable for any two individuals to have the same set of values in the same order. Our top Values are a measuring scale that we carry with us all the time, it is used to measure a situation, decision, outcome, individual and even group of people.
It is our values that motivates us and make us happy or vice-versa.
We gravitate towards some people because we could relate to their matching values.
To cut the Long story short it is our values that bring us in a Battlefield of conflict.
Lets take an example, A man brought up in a Matriarch family (in a joint family) having his key values as Gentleness, Responsibility, Helpfulness, Creativity and Wonder marries a Woman (Only Child in Nuclear Family) with key values as Stability, Obedience, Determination, Idealistic and Courage; How would their relationship be?
It may appear that their personalities are quite much opposite (And we know that opposites attract); but here there is possibility of conflict. Here what will be important is where are acceptance and adaptability in their top ranked values; because these values are what may bring harmony in a relationship.
If stability is among the top 10 values of the girl, she will not be able to admire the creativity, because creativity comes from chaos. Unless they have learnt to make friends with the other persons value system, a relationship will not work to their favour.
Some relationships break and some flourish, I have explored a way to find how two individuals can see and acknowledge their value difference and prepare for the battles to come in their lives.
The intent is to figure out which situation is the cause of a conflict and how effectively the conflict can be resolved for a win-win situation.
In my experience as a HR professional, a new employee found it difficult to adjust in an organisational culture, where his value system was not aligned with employer values.
None of them is wrong, they are unique, But recurring conflict in their values leads them to separate their paths sooner or later.
There is a way to foresee the value differences to help individuals or organisations; It would save both the parties a lot of Blood, sweat and tears (read…..Time, Money, Energy if your values are idealistic and practical).
I have known a lot of progressive companies where a Behavioural Interviews helps to ascertain an individuals value system and especially at leadership level these values do become visible. They also use Psychometric tools to identify the impact of a difference in an individuals personality in comparison to the desired Behaviour.
In arranged marriages in india, it is a practice to evaluate different aspects, But comparing value system of the two will really help in seeing more than what meets the eye (Now do not make me a Match maker; Which i was as a Recruiter though).
It is better to Contemplate and be prepared for, what may come in future; Will it be a workable relationship or should they take a conscious decision to move on.
Now the question is………..Do we know our values? and are we able to see how they are at play in your life?
Because I do!
Life is Good, Cheers!
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